The Wild Weedy West

I’m confused. I thought the one good thing about right-wing conservative Republicans being in office is the free market capitalism they will take a bullet to protect. I thought that all the de-regulation and social program cuts were in the name of every American’s right to sell his wares in the marketplace to the highest bidder. Big Bird dies for Big Industry’s sins, right?

This is what I’ve always been told. This is one of the pillars of our society. I am not exaggerating, this is as sure as death and property tax and the unnamed force that steals a sock out of the dryer. So, why did two of our County Commissioners vote against growing and selling marijuana in unincorporated Garfield County? It is now a legal substance in this state, and God knows, it has already proven to be a cash crop.

What if I decide I want to sell my wares in Satank, and what if ‘my wares’ just happens to be code for marijuana cupcakes? —Sorry, force of habit for those of us who went through our formative years when it was still an illegal substance. And yes, I have been watching a lot of the show 2 Broke Girls lately…

Personally I don’t partake, but I’m in the minority. If you’re reading this in Carbondale look to your left and then look to your right, one of them and you probably use marijuana. Like I said, I’m no longer in the know, but back in college? Whoo doggie! Of course, that was years ago when a quarter only cost $25. Yes, it’s true, ounces of weed once sold for $100. Oh, how long I’ve waited to be able to shock youngsters with tales of the past… Back in the good old days when you could smoke a joint, find your shoes, and go to the grocery store for munchies. Nowadays you practically need a GPS system just to find your own kitchen, and forget about the shoes. “Chicks cannot hold their smoke, that’s what it is.” –Brian Johnson

Isn’t it weird that a plant that can solve so many of our ailments has been illegal for 75 years? Glaucoma, depression, obesity, diabetes, fibromyalgia, nausea, muscle cramps and/or spasms, arthritis, the list could probably go on and on like a pothead at a party. It clearly is the Gateway Drug if we’re talking about a gateway to mental and physical health. So let’s grow it and sell it and in the name of your favorite Republican, tax it!

What are we waiting for? All the studies point to less violent crime, fewer car accident deaths* and mercy for terminally ill patients, with a downside of what, exactly? Renaming the ATF and bad poetry? I think it’s a risk we can afford to take. It seems a lot safer than the gamble we are taking with our clean air and ground water so that the gas companies can frack away. Our Commissioners gave away the farm and the County Road to get there when Big Oil & Gas came knocking. What’s the difference? They both come out of the ground and they’re both in demand. Commissioner Martin, perhaps you can resolve my confusion, what exactly is required to enter the ‘free market’?

At the end of the day it is just a weed, made by Nature to grow wild with sunlight and a little water (well, for the time being anyway. I suspect it won’t be long until Monsanto produces a GMOnster strain…) And the baby boomers prefer it to their parents’ prescription pills, so get ready for sales to go through the roof as they enter the ailment years— there’s a good idea for a sitcom; a show about aging hippies who live together in unincorporated Garfield County and start up their own marijuana cupcake business all the while trying to stay one step ahead of the law. Kind of a Golden Girls meets That 70s Show meets the Dukes of Hazzard. And in the pilot episode they’ll kidnap those pesky old Commissioners and take them to a motel room in Utah where they will hotbox the s#*! out of it.

*http://www.healthsurf.com/?p=194

Hitchhiker's Guide to Hwy 133

Note to loyal Ps & Qs readers: I would like to climb into a time machine and change two things about last month’s article. 1) The title should’ve been Don’t Be Like Jeannie B. and 2) Val Kilmer wasn’t in Silverado, I meant Tombstone (my sister called me up and told me to get a f***ing fact checker!)

One of my favorite books of all time is The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. It contains truths that I’m certain are universal. And yes, I believe in aliens. Mostly because I find it incredibly arrogant to think we are the only life forms out there, but also because it’s lonely and sad to think that we’re as good as it gets. (And I am not alone in my belief; Gordon Cooper believed in aliens, probably because he went to space, where they live, as does the Hon. Paul Hellyer, former Canadian Minister of National Defense. Believe in aliens, I mean; I do not think that the former Minister lives in space.)

And to think, all these years we’ve been led to believe that ‘intelligent life’, (and I use that term loosely) as we know it, is the only kind in existence. Now, in fairness to the giant boom of babies, that’s what they were told and most of them never met a ‘tall white’ in the desert of Nevada (not when they were sober anyway…) so how would they know? But our generation has way more access to the planet than any one before because of little devices we keep in our pockets that we use to watch kitten videos. Also, these devices make it harder and harder for the Air Force to keep a lid on things like this.

As long as we’re discussing topics no one wants to admit, the issue of the Dolores Way and Highway 133 intersection reminds me of the planet in Hitchhiker’s Guide where the giant pig-like creatures have to have an officially stamped corresponding form, filled out in triplicate, submitted during regular business hours, and signed off on by Zaphod Beeblebrox in order to proceed with building an interstellar galactic highway.

Here’s the deal, as I see it, CDOT and RFTA are in a pissing contest and CRMS keeps trying to get someone to take look at its yellow signature in the snow, meanwhile minivans full of children are careening through dangerous left hand turns twice a day and no one’s doing a damn thing about it. CDOT doesn’t want a light there and RFTA won’t let us use theirs, less than a block away (us being: residents of Satank, teachers and parents of the Community School’s students, anyone who works or shops at The Paint Store, CAT, The Fold, Sunsense Solar, Sopris Crossfit, NAPA, Ajax Bike & Sport, American National Bank Bank, etc.)

Meeting after meeting it just goes round and round, and now two out of three Garfield County Commissioners have voted to accept the highway plan as is, which includes a brand new road through pasture land that comes out onto Hwy 133 at a round-a-bout about 100 yards down the road. Someday. (This is CRMS land, and I’m sure they’ll give it to the town for a ‘good price’ in exchange for the necessary zoning for it to become a development build-your-own-sundae.)

What no one seems to give a scoop of you-know-what about, is that Dolores Way is our only Way in and our only Way out. There is a county road through CRMS, but Garfield County vacated vehicle access years ago, and CRMS would like them to vacate pedestrian and bicycle access as well. (Or, CRMS could hire a strategic planner who doesn’t recommend building up their campus on a county right-of-way, just sayin.)

Good God, I never thought I’d be interested in something as tedious as a future highway access control plan. But I guess that’s what happens when you’re an earthling in her 40s and you live in a neighborhood “Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the Western Spiral arm of the Galaxy…”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XEQdvYFMBAU&feature=youtu.be

Don't Be Like Jeannie B

Do you know the worst thing about being smart? Did you just say ‘no’? Well that’s the joke, it’s a one-liner. Just like the old Irish joke: two Irishmen walk by a bar.

The worst thing about being smart, as far as I can tell, is that you pretty much always know what’s going to happen next. Not a lot of surprises in the world, which could explain why smart people spend so much time in bars; a lot of genius in this town.

It’s hard to stay positive once you realize how mismanaged this planet is, and if it takes a pint now and then to keep on keeping on, then I, for one, say, “To all my friends!” Benjamin Franklin summed it up pretty well, and he was kind of a smart fella, “Wine, a constant proof that God loves us, and loves to see us happy.”

In a world where our food is regulated by the same guys who stand to win or lose at the profit sharing picnic table, and our public land advocacy agencies (“BLM stands for Beef, Lumber & Mining” –MM) really just exist as playthings for Oil & Gas companies, it’s nice to step into a dark room now and then and drink something bubbly with one’s mates.

Especially in a town where our trusted Trustees voted for a well-known Texan’s plan to draw art lovers to Carbondale but not to sell the art within the town limits so that we would receive the sales tax revenue. And what’s this I hear about voting for more ‘dry’ events in our beloved mountain town? Are we sure Foulkrod understood the question? I’m going to have to knock some sense into him while I knock some back, if you know what I mean…

I can think of a lot of things this town needs: an Old West themed hotel with a saloon on the ground floor that opens to Main Street through swinging shutter doors, a taxi service for those who’ve imbibed in said saloon, street performers dressed like Val Kilmer in Silverado, the list goes on and on… But less alcohol in the hands of legal-drinking-age adults is not one of them. All this vote really did was cost CCAH some cash, not only in alcohol sales but also in the fewer amount of participants because they’ll all be in the bar, where they serve alcohol.

As a country, we’ve already tried Prohibition and it didn’t work out so well; in fact, nothing that restricts personal freedom seems to stick. And now, finally, thanks to some old guys who wear robes to work, we are closer to marriage equality for everyone in the land of the free.

It’s been said many times in many ways: Be cool, honey bunny. Live and let live. Don’t like abortion? Don’t have one. Ok, maybe that last one’s a bit off-track… but the point is don’t be like Jeannie Bueller in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off (one of the all-time best movies ever made!) Jeannie is Ferris’s sister and she can’t let it go that Ferris is ditching classes until she meets Charlie Sheen in the police station: (Seriously, one of the top ten cameos of all time)

What do you care if your brother ditches school?

Why should he get to ditch when everybody else has to go?

You could ditch.

Yeah, I’d get caught.

Then your problem is you.

As I see it, alcohol doesn’t solve problems; but neither does banning it. And now’s as good a time as any to resurrect the ‘Barmuda triangle’ between the Pour House, Townperiod, and the Nugget. Maybe I’m just nostalgic for old times, but I’m not the only one who doesn’t want to see the Disneyfication* of our Main Street. I’m no Wile E. Coyote, but even I can tell ya that’s one surefire way to get the tourists running, all the way out of town and up to Basalt where they can quench their thirst.

*Until last year there were no alcoholic beverage sales at Disneyland, as per Walt’s wishes. Which made perfect sense since it is a theme park for children.

Dining with El Diablo

I don’t believe in the devil. Or I should say I didn’t believe in the devil, until recently when I watched an independent film about Monsanto. Now I agree with my friend Pat Fender, they are El Diablo.

Here’s the deal, their seeds are engineered to grow despite being sprayed by Round Up (which, of course, is a Monsanto product) and Monsanto uses corruption, intimidation, sabotage, whatever means are necessary to spread their seeds all over the world. Also, Round Up (and, it stands to reason, their transgenic seed that can survive Round Up) gives you cancer —luckily I’m not a scientist, so I don’t have to watch it happen in a room full of mice in order to say it. Here’s what the scientist who watched it happen in a room full of mice said, “Round Up provokes the first stages that lead to cancer.” – Robert Bellé. The good news is— Oh wait, there is no good news. Monsanto will charge farmers whatever price they decide for the seeds, as well as collect royalties when the crop comes in; essentially turning all the farmers into indentured servants.

“Monsanto is trying to take away our right to not eat their food.” – Caroline Alberino.

On Monsanto’s website they proclaim that GMO crops will ease world-wide hunger and end famine, but that is a crock of organic horse apples. Small farmers are being driven out from Indiana to India by Monsanto, and if they don’t kill themselves then they are bankrupted and forced to move to the city to look for work. Being poor and living in a city is entirely different from being poor and living on a farm.

One big difference is the ‘revolving doors’ way in which big city guys conduct their business. Picture a revolving door with three suits inside, we’ll call them Industry, Regulation and Legislation. After awhile, watching them all go around and around, we tend to get bored and look elsewhere… distracted by a hot dog vendor perhaps. That is exactly what is going on right now with Monsanto, and it has been since before Reagan had Alzheimer’s. By patenting the seeds Monsanto is “in the process of owning food. All food.” – Troy Roush.

They don’t even try to hide it anymore like when Nixon was in office… From a Washington Post article by Elizabeth Flock:

            In 2009, President Obama appointed Michael Taylor as a senior adviser for the FDA. Consumer groups protested the appointment because Taylor had formerly served as a vice president for Monsanto, the controversial agricultural multinational at the forefront of genetically modified food.

Hey Monsanto: quit trying to get in my plants! That was my sign’s message at the March Against Monsanto on May 25^th. Granted, there were more people skiing in Aspen than marching that day, but we do what we can. And we did pick up a few new marchers along the way, which is better than wearing snow pants in 70 degree weather and eating cancer-causing corn on the cob. Speaking of corn on the cob, the United States currently sends subsidized shipments of GMO corn to Mexico, driving down the price of local corn and contaminating the ancient source of corn varieties.

Teresa Camou is producing a film titled Sunnú about the struggle and determination of the indigenous northern Mexican communities to preserve their native corn seed and way of life. The 90-minute documentary will both reveal and explain the fate of this crucial seed at its source and the imminent threat to the sustainability, heritage and overall lives of its ancient caretakers due to climate change, the introduction of GMO corn plantations in Mexico, and NAFTA farming practices. For more information visit: Sunnú.org*

Monsanto’s next commercial should be a rip off of the old Beef ads: Cancer, it’s what’s for dinner. Then they can partner with Eli Lilly and sell us both the cause and the cure. Al Pacino’s character in The Devil’s Advocate, i.e., The Devil, would be so proud.

*Alejandra Rico

All quotes are from the film The World According to Monsanto, with the exception of Caroline Alberino’s which was said aloud at March Against Monsanto.

http://topdocumentaryfilms.com/the-world-according-to-monsanto/

Change Your Pants, Change Your Life

My favorite coffee shop tip jar sign reads: ‘Fear Change? Then leave it here!’ Change is constant and, I believe, as necessary as oxygen or water to our survival. Without change we have stagnation, and with stagnation comes apathy; the next thing you know, you’re watching soap operas all day in your pajama bottoms and the mosquitos are buzzing.

What a change we’ve seen in leading men just in my lifetime. From Rick Springfield (who had already been on General Hospital for like ten years) to Justin Bieber (who looks like he is ten years old.) I mean, Magnum P.I. could kick the shit out of Team Wolf or Team Vampire, even with their special glow in the sunlight powers. Magnum was a Navy Seal, don’t forget, and he and Rick were always getting caught up in bar fights that weren’t their fault. Well, maybe they were Rick’s fault— he was kind of a slut.

The point is, what a difference a few decades can make. And not just in entertainment: equal rights, fashion, energy, organic food— of course, that last one’s a remake. Back in the black and white days they didn’t have to pay more for real food, it was their food. Adding preservatives to what we eat is a fairly new idea (and about as good of one as bell bottoms, I might add.)

Benzene in our water, fish in our tomatoes, what is going on around here?! “Where the hell’s the records room?!” –Dr Rosenpenis. The bees won’t pollinate our crops because they are genetically modified, we’re building leaky pipelines through our backyards to send oil to China, and we are still waiting for some Americans to catch up with the class in respect to equality in the law. To those people who think the business of marriage should be accessible only to heterosexuals, I say: “Get over yourselves, in the name of the ‘Mother, the Son and the Holy Ghost!” – AW (It should be the Mother, the Son and the Holy Ghost, I mean those are the major players, right?)

We have got to get to the next level already, and we don’t have time for the Muggles to pack up their oppressive, cave-day ideas and bring them along. Imagine life on Earth is a video game (it does seem to be how an awful lot of people spend their free time…) It’s time to slay the dragon once and for all and move up to the level of clean energy, equal rights and floating cupcakes for everyone. And this time let’s pick an energy source with a smaller margin of human error and less room for greed to get its grubby little fingers on every point of sale.

“Today’s energy system is not just inefficient; it is also disconnected, aging, dirty and insecure.” – Amory Lovins.

Just like those women who walk around Aspen in their fur coats and rubber lips. Speaking of Aspen, I was up there delivering this fine publication a couple of weeks ago, and I was told that there is no need to leave Sopris Suns in the Hotel Jerome anymore. They don’t want us to squander our resources, seeing as we are a ‘smaller operation.’ (That’s how sycophants to the uber-rich say ‘take a hike’.) So I just want to let everyone know that you will no longer be able to read about upcoming events at the Wheeler Opera House or see a picture of Middle Schoolers on a field trip in the Hotel Jerome lobby, but I’m sure the billionaires will appreciate having more room for their daily real estate ads. There’s a cliché: the more things change, the more they stay the same. And then there’s Aspen…

But be sure to look for local news, images and opinion when you stay with the Inn at Aspen. Remember when it was a Holiday Inn? Complete with Magic Fingers vibrating beds and that freaky psychedelic carpet in the seemingly endless hallways… Ah, the good ole days, back when the Bee Gees were still around. Not to mention the bees.