Jon Stewart reads my column

As you may well know, I often use quotes in my column to enhance my point and to bring a little levity to the topic. I always give credit where credit’s due, only sometimes I use initials to protect the innocent. Not too long ago I used a quote from Willy Wonka (picturing the Gene Wilder version in my head, of course) pertaining to the three-ring circus that is our Congress. Then, the other night, I watched the actual clip of Gene Wilder in response to the latest Congress folly on the Daily Show with Jon Stewart.

Call it whatever you want: tipping point, fate, pure coincidence; I think it’s obvious that we’re all connected and a movie reference meme is all the proof I need. Shooting stars are another one of my favorite prompts, reminding me that people all over the world are simply going about their lives; like an app older than the rule of law notifying us that we are not alone. Shepherds and butchers and bankers, oh my!

Speaking of shepherds, my friend Caroline has an interesting theory regarding Jesus and the afterlife. (Jesus was a shepherd at some point, right? I mean I’ve seen pictures of him with one of those sticks like Little Bo Peep carries, and Christians are always talking about his ‘flock.’) Anyway, Caroline believes that when you die you go to a reception area (I like the DMV style of the waiting room in Beetlejuice) and you have to stay there until everyone who expects to see you when they die dies.

I like this theory for two reasons. One, it reminds me of one of my favorite movies of all time— Defending Your Life with Meryl Streep and Albert Brooks: all-you-can-eat pasta with no repercussions, 70 degrees and sunny every day, a place called the Past Lives Pavilion… I mean c’mon! Add a cocktail hour with F Scott Fitzgerald and Dorothy Parker and it’s the epitome of heaven!

The second reason I like Caro’s theory is because it explains the total and complete absence of Jesus. If he came back once, surely he can rearrange his speaking engagements and make a second appearance when we really need him, right? Well not if he’s stuck in this ethereal waiting room until each and every catholic dies.

So, while I’m definitely looking forward to such a purgatorial place, first thing’s first. We’ve got some serious issues down here on Earth, and protecting the only planet that sustains life as far as we know it, is a big job. Personally, I have my doubts as to whether we’re up to the challenge, especially when I look to the ‘authorities’ only to find them sitting around chuckling and smoking cigars together. It’s disconcerting, yo.

               “Our problem is civil obedience.

When the rule of law is the darling of the leaders and the plague of the people, we ought to begin to recognize this. ” –Howard Zinn

I can really work myself into a Facebook frenzy, posting warning after warning… But eventually I remind myself to calm down, to stop being such a Sally Freakshow, to post a video of a hillbilly dancing with a raccoon on his porch. We do what we can and look where we want to land. That was the advice of a Vietnam vet who gave my sister and me a five hour crash course on skydiving before taking us 3000 feet in the air and pushing us out of the plane. “You will land where you are looking, so if you see a dumpster from up there, don’t continue to check on its whereabouts or you will end up in the trash.” This advice has served me well in life. And until the day comes when my chute won’t open, I’m going to focus on the kind of planet I want to live on. One where we treat each other and everything on the planet the way we would like to be treated, just like that philosophizing shepherd. A planet where I can have non-GMO coffee and bagels with Jon Stewart while discussing our own guest lists for the great dinner party in the sky.

Send out the clowns

This month’s Ps & Qs was written by my friend Skip Bell, and I think whether you align yourself with Democrats or Republicans, Socialists or Capitalists, or worse yet— Idealists; whether you lean in to the conservative curve or you are a straight-laced liberal, I think we can all agree that the People have lost our representation. That "Our democracy, with faux debates between two corporate parties, is meaningless political theater." – Chris Hedges

Send out the clowns

by Skip Bell

This Congress is making a mockery of our system of government.  Democrat, Republican, Tea Party or Independent, they hold us hostage to their purposes while they continue to receive their overblown salaries, health-care and benefits.  In the midst of our country's recovery from the economic downturn, they decide to shut down the government and throw everything into reverse.  Colorado towns, crippled by floods, can't do business because the attractions that could bring tourists to their areas are closed.  Federal employees can't buy food for their families or pay their bills.  Thousands of people out of work and our Congress can't put aside their political differences and make it work.  The rest of the world laughs at us; and the fools in Washington don't care, because their golden parachutes are in place and when they don't get re-elected, or they resign, they can go to work for big business as a lobbyist.  I want legislators to create laws FOR THE PEOPLE that they represent, not for themselves.  They have placed themselves above us and I don't believe that the Founding Fathers planned it that way.  Our Country was founded in revolution and I think it's time for another one; at the ballot box.  Send them all home.  My only regret is that we will still have to pay them.

I'm sure everyone noticed how quickly our Congress pulled their heads in and did the right thing by funding death benefits for families of our military who were recently killed in action.  The reason was that so many people voiced their outrage.  I believe we need to keep that pressure up on all fronts.  Shutting down the government is nothing short of treason.

Do we need to cut back on government expenditures; yes we do.  Let's start by keeping our President in Washington, where he belongs.  How much money has been wasted, sending him and his family all over the world to vacation at our expense?  We have every form of modern communication in the world.  Make a phone call.  Congressional junkets and fact-finding tours; we have ambassadors everywhere.  Make a phone call.  We spend trillions of dollars arming unfriendly nations only to have those weapons turned against our troops.  YOU CAN'T BUY FRIENDS.  I'm all for humanitarian aid, but gun money would go a long way toward solving our own country's problems.

"Charity begins at home."  Our schools are a disaster.  Teachers are underpaid, students are uninspired and facilities are in disrepair.  Every year it seems, they shorten the school year by another day or two.  Kids can't wait to emulate movie stars and professional athletes with their gold chains and diamond earrings.  Where are we going?  The United States is 18th in world educational rankings.  College and university students buy their way through school.  MBA candidates are taught every sleazy way to do business, from how to beat the tax man to how to choke the most work out of their employees for the least amount of money.

The top 1% owns this country and we keep electing the politicians who do their bidding.  I reread the Declaration of Independence and the Constitution and Lincoln's Gettysburg Address in which Lincoln referred to a government "OF THE PEOPLE, BY THE PEOPLE and FOR THE PEOPLE".  Nowhere did I find the names of the Koch brothers, John Boehner, Mitch McConnell, Harry Reid, Ted Cruz or Barack Obama.  This is OUR Country; those men and women in Congress are OUR employees.  It's time we fired all of them. 

And now they come riding to the rescue at the last minute, reaching an accord that brings OUR country back from the brink of disaster, patting themselves on the backs and congratulating themselves for their selfless act of putting partisanship aside for the good of the country; and it's probably going to happen again in a few months.  Who's going to be responsible for the billions and billions of dollars that their ridiculous actions have cost so many citizens and OUR country? 

I read an article in the paper that stated how Senator Scott Tipton put aside his Tea Party beliefs to vote in favor of making a deal to save the economy; REALLY.  Such a hero.  My message here is that we need to register every eligible voter and send them to the polls.  Cast a ballot for our country, not for the best looking, smoothest talker.

The Business of War

“Bombing for peace is like f***ing for virginity.” –A bumper sticker I once saw

I recently left a bit of a rambling message on my Senator’s voicemail about why I don’t think it’s a good idea to bomb Syria (or any other country for that matter! Bombing, in my opinion, is not good.) I’m pretty sure I got my point across, and I’m pretty sure I’m not the nuttiest Colorado constituent (not yet anyway, maybe in ten to fifteen years…) My point being: war is not a good business plan. Even though it creates more war, the losses far outweigh the gain. I’m sick of fear and ignorance and greed running the show in this country. I voted for Obama because I want to see a change, and by that I don’t mean change the country we’re bombing for supposedly housing weapons of destruction. I mean, talk about Idiocracy* in action, it’s like smacking your kid to teach him that hitting is wrong.

Why can’t we send our young men and women to the other side of the world to train civilians on how to operate renewable energy systems, instead of sending them over to kill parents right in front of their own children? Then those communities could house and maintain their own independent energy sources, and send us .01 cent per kilowatt as well as some good buju each month. Our reputation would restore itself and terrorist cells would dry up the world round. Plus, we’d be that much closer to having a world flag, which personally, I would really like to see happen in my lifetime.

Hasn’t it been long enough, how many generations will it take for us to learn that the business of war is dead? Literally. Death is the end result, and all it creates is more hatred and fear and death. Apparently our representatives are too sheltered from the real world to comprehend this. I propose we wall off Washington DC and let them fend for themselves until they shut up and listen. Seriously, no trucks in or out. How long until they sell their bodies for fresh vegetables? Your guess is as good as mine, but what a great premise for a reality show…

Did you see the footage of U.S. Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) rambling on and on for 21 hours? What a waste of oxygen; no way is he one of the sharpest tools in the shed. (I used to think Ivy League educated meant well read, but now I question if they do read.) Are we deliberately trying to breed ourselves out of common sense and courtesy, or is it just an unfortunate wrong turn on the path of humanity? Do we really want to be a planet of 50-hour-a-week-workers who only have access to bottled water and Monsanto® food, who wear aluminum under our arms and wire under our breasts, who can only be legally recognized as ‘married’ if we’re capable of breeding, and whose collective hobby it is to consume useless crap packaged in plastic faster than Captain Kirk can unzip? Really?

It’s too depressing. We’re losing basic kindness and generosity like a Band-Aid® in the bath— we won’t even notice until we’re out. Maybe it’s because by the time a species becomes technologically advanced enough to do good universally, all the compassion has been bred out. In order to travel through space and discover new worlds we have to evolve to a certain level of uncaring, selfish behavior; kind of like the way we feel about insects when they splatter on the windshield. Eventually it won’t even occur to us to go out of our way to help one another. Or, maybe that’s only true for the ones actually doing the traveling through time and space. Hopefully there are redneck aliens back on their home planets right now, drinking homemade moonsshine and playing some kind of gravity-deficient horseshoes.

And if not, we could be the first to lead by example. We’ll just send our Congress men and women instead of our military— Ooh, I gotta go. I have another call to make…

*Idiocracy is a very funny film about the ‘dumbing down’ of society

The Wild Weedy West

I’m confused. I thought the one good thing about right-wing conservative Republicans being in office is the free market capitalism they will take a bullet to protect. I thought that all the de-regulation and social program cuts were in the name of every American’s right to sell his wares in the marketplace to the highest bidder. Big Bird dies for Big Industry’s sins, right?

This is what I’ve always been told. This is one of the pillars of our society. I am not exaggerating, this is as sure as death and property tax and the unnamed force that steals a sock out of the dryer. So, why did two of our County Commissioners vote against growing and selling marijuana in unincorporated Garfield County? It is now a legal substance in this state, and God knows, it has already proven to be a cash crop.

What if I decide I want to sell my wares in Satank, and what if ‘my wares’ just happens to be code for marijuana cupcakes? —Sorry, force of habit for those of us who went through our formative years when it was still an illegal substance. And yes, I have been watching a lot of the show 2 Broke Girls lately…

Personally I don’t partake, but I’m in the minority. If you’re reading this in Carbondale look to your left and then look to your right, one of them and you probably use marijuana. Like I said, I’m no longer in the know, but back in college? Whoo doggie! Of course, that was years ago when a quarter only cost $25. Yes, it’s true, ounces of weed once sold for $100. Oh, how long I’ve waited to be able to shock youngsters with tales of the past… Back in the good old days when you could smoke a joint, find your shoes, and go to the grocery store for munchies. Nowadays you practically need a GPS system just to find your own kitchen, and forget about the shoes. “Chicks cannot hold their smoke, that’s what it is.” –Brian Johnson

Isn’t it weird that a plant that can solve so many of our ailments has been illegal for 75 years? Glaucoma, depression, obesity, diabetes, fibromyalgia, nausea, muscle cramps and/or spasms, arthritis, the list could probably go on and on like a pothead at a party. It clearly is the Gateway Drug if we’re talking about a gateway to mental and physical health. So let’s grow it and sell it and in the name of your favorite Republican, tax it!

What are we waiting for? All the studies point to less violent crime, fewer car accident deaths* and mercy for terminally ill patients, with a downside of what, exactly? Renaming the ATF and bad poetry? I think it’s a risk we can afford to take. It seems a lot safer than the gamble we are taking with our clean air and ground water so that the gas companies can frack away. Our Commissioners gave away the farm and the County Road to get there when Big Oil & Gas came knocking. What’s the difference? They both come out of the ground and they’re both in demand. Commissioner Martin, perhaps you can resolve my confusion, what exactly is required to enter the ‘free market’?

At the end of the day it is just a weed, made by Nature to grow wild with sunlight and a little water (well, for the time being anyway. I suspect it won’t be long until Monsanto produces a GMOnster strain…) And the baby boomers prefer it to their parents’ prescription pills, so get ready for sales to go through the roof as they enter the ailment years— there’s a good idea for a sitcom; a show about aging hippies who live together in unincorporated Garfield County and start up their own marijuana cupcake business all the while trying to stay one step ahead of the law. Kind of a Golden Girls meets That 70s Show meets the Dukes of Hazzard. And in the pilot episode they’ll kidnap those pesky old Commissioners and take them to a motel room in Utah where they will hotbox the s#*! out of it.

*http://www.healthsurf.com/?p=194

Hitchhiker's Guide to Hwy 133

Note to loyal Ps & Qs readers: I would like to climb into a time machine and change two things about last month’s article. 1) The title should’ve been Don’t Be Like Jeannie B. and 2) Val Kilmer wasn’t in Silverado, I meant Tombstone (my sister called me up and told me to get a f***ing fact checker!)

One of my favorite books of all time is The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. It contains truths that I’m certain are universal. And yes, I believe in aliens. Mostly because I find it incredibly arrogant to think we are the only life forms out there, but also because it’s lonely and sad to think that we’re as good as it gets. (And I am not alone in my belief; Gordon Cooper believed in aliens, probably because he went to space, where they live, as does the Hon. Paul Hellyer, former Canadian Minister of National Defense. Believe in aliens, I mean; I do not think that the former Minister lives in space.)

And to think, all these years we’ve been led to believe that ‘intelligent life’, (and I use that term loosely) as we know it, is the only kind in existence. Now, in fairness to the giant boom of babies, that’s what they were told and most of them never met a ‘tall white’ in the desert of Nevada (not when they were sober anyway…) so how would they know? But our generation has way more access to the planet than any one before because of little devices we keep in our pockets that we use to watch kitten videos. Also, these devices make it harder and harder for the Air Force to keep a lid on things like this.

As long as we’re discussing topics no one wants to admit, the issue of the Dolores Way and Highway 133 intersection reminds me of the planet in Hitchhiker’s Guide where the giant pig-like creatures have to have an officially stamped corresponding form, filled out in triplicate, submitted during regular business hours, and signed off on by Zaphod Beeblebrox in order to proceed with building an interstellar galactic highway.

Here’s the deal, as I see it, CDOT and RFTA are in a pissing contest and CRMS keeps trying to get someone to take look at its yellow signature in the snow, meanwhile minivans full of children are careening through dangerous left hand turns twice a day and no one’s doing a damn thing about it. CDOT doesn’t want a light there and RFTA won’t let us use theirs, less than a block away (us being: residents of Satank, teachers and parents of the Community School’s students, anyone who works or shops at The Paint Store, CAT, The Fold, Sunsense Solar, Sopris Crossfit, NAPA, Ajax Bike & Sport, American National Bank Bank, etc.)

Meeting after meeting it just goes round and round, and now two out of three Garfield County Commissioners have voted to accept the highway plan as is, which includes a brand new road through pasture land that comes out onto Hwy 133 at a round-a-bout about 100 yards down the road. Someday. (This is CRMS land, and I’m sure they’ll give it to the town for a ‘good price’ in exchange for the necessary zoning for it to become a development build-your-own-sundae.)

What no one seems to give a scoop of you-know-what about, is that Dolores Way is our only Way in and our only Way out. There is a county road through CRMS, but Garfield County vacated vehicle access years ago, and CRMS would like them to vacate pedestrian and bicycle access as well. (Or, CRMS could hire a strategic planner who doesn’t recommend building up their campus on a county right-of-way, just sayin.)

Good God, I never thought I’d be interested in something as tedious as a future highway access control plan. But I guess that’s what happens when you’re an earthling in her 40s and you live in a neighborhood “Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the Western Spiral arm of the Galaxy…”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XEQdvYFMBAU&feature=youtu.be