Two wrongs don’t make a right, but three lefts do

Well, it’s officially summer; also known as construction season here in Colorado, and we are finally addressing the issue of traffic on Highway 133. Hooray! It’s great to see CDOT and the Town of Carbondale and RFTA all working together for the betterment of our little mountain town. A roundabout big enough for fracking trucks, a turning lane for businesses on the Upper East Side, and 71 additional parking spaces at the Carbondale Park & Ride; looks like Carbondale’s ‘movin on up’ just like the Jeffersons.

The only problem is that pesky intersection at Highway 133 and Dolores Way. If it was just the entrance to Satank, and no one else really used it, I would understand the blatant blind eye. But we’re also talking about Carbondale Community School parents and teachers, Business Park employees and customers, CRMS faculty and students, and now any and all Kissing Commuters (people who drop off their loved ones with a kiss and a wave.) Carbondale P&Z gave the go-ahead to RFTA last Thursday after discussing landscaping at length and snow removal to handle Minnesota’s standards. The fact that RFTA’s dumping more traffic onto an already deadly congested Dolores Way went over like a fart in RVR, i.e., everyone avoided eye contact until the subject changed. (They voted while Charlie Kees was out of the room and Rich Camp was out of town.)

There are some residents who would like to see the entrance to our town gussied up, as they say. I am not one of them. I am more of the Brad Hendricks school of thought: the worse it looks, the longer we’ll be able to hang on to the see-saw that is a real town vs. a cute little destination where people in white jeans come to eat and shop.

Highway 133 has the ability to protect our town. As long as it scares people off and they head up the valley in search of greener polo pastures, we may be able to hold on to our unique community for a little bit longer. The beautification of the stretch of Highway 133 from the bridge to RVR reminds me of those parkways you see in West Africa leading from the airport to the fancy hotel; trees and flowers and smooth pavement which ends abruptly on the next block over where little kids are kicking a soccer ball in the dirt amid the trash.

In the not-too-distant past, local politics have also resembled the corruption and hubris often found in developing countries. An example of this is the sculpture by James Surls planned for the center of the new roundabout. Personally, I have nothing against James Surls or his artwork. I’ve actually been in a kiva with the man and I think he, like the rest of us, is just playing the hand he was dealt as well as he can. But the process for this particular sculpture was about as rigged as they come. What’s the old saying? Art is in the eye of the person buying said art.

Carbondale does not need Houston’s sloppy seconds in its gateway or anywhere else. Besides:

1. Ask someone who has lived here for more than ten years if they know of James Surls and you will probably hear this answer, “Who? Oh yeah, I think he works at Junction Pipe.”

2. The roundabout is already decorated with Mt Sopris, (or as the Utes call it— Big Mountain by Two Rivers, because they don’t have the white-man hang-up where we have to name everything after ourselves for posterity.)

And 3. $200,000 would buy a hell of a lot of art supplies for the local kids who will have to play real-life Frogger whenever they’re trying to get to 7/Eleven for a Slurpee.

Let’s blame it on Mercury in retrograde, or the fact that shit rolls downhill and Aspen’s like a Willy Wonka factory when it comes to poop… whatever the case, it’s not too late to showcase our true colors, and let the roundabout just be about the traffic. As we all know, Carbondale is a great place to be! (Once you actually get here.) And I, for one, would like to keep it that way.

Top 10

You know what I hate? Prejudice and pretense. But that’s no surprise; I’ve always been more of a socialist than a socialite. I like truth and integrity and clearly stating one’s objective. Like Dr. Seuss, “I meant what I said and I said what I meant. An elephant’s faithful one-hundred percent!” For instance, I hate reading a magazine article titled The Top 10 Things That Make a Woman Feel and Look Younger and not realizing until Thing 4 that it was written by a man. (Also, I hate folding fitted sheets, but for entirely different reasons...)

Here is my own list of Top 10 things that ACTUALLY make a woman feel younger:

     1. Being called a dirty blonde Tina Fey— whether or not this was a compliment, it was taken as one! Tina Fey is my idol and I think she must eat some kind of caffeine and ephedrine time-release protein bars to get it all done in a day.

     2. Going to the bar with a girlfriend who isn’t yet 40. Not only do the bartenders still flirt, but you quickly forget that you can’t have more than two drinks if you’re going to run in the Mike-the-headless-chicken race the next day.

     3. Hiking in Aspen. (Little hint ladies: plastic surgery makes you end up looking older than Father Time. Also, you look a bit like a Muppet stripper.)

     4. Having dinner with a conspiracy theorist who was alive during Watergate. You wouldn’t believe it if I told you…

     5. Chocolate ice cream.

     6. Choosing an immaturely named shade of pink for the pedicure. Examples: Watermelon mist, Cajun Coral, Romeo & Joliet.

     7. Spending the weekend with your move-a-body friends. (As in the old joke: a good friend will help you move, but a best friend will help you move a body.)

     8. Playing hooky.

     9. Playing Mario Bros., and/or Donkey Kong.

    10. Sitting under fluorescent lights on a quasi-comfortable chair daydreaming about hiking up Marion Gulch… when suddenly my head snaps up— Whoa! Wait! What just happened? (It’s like being in high school all over again, except this time I actually care about the outcome.) The BOCC overturned the P&Z decision that vacating County Road 106 does not comply with the comprehensive plan. I disagree, Commissioner Jankovsky, I think the connectivity of a well-used public right-of-way completely complies with the comprehensive plan. And are you sure it’s a good idea to give public land away to the private sector in an election year? Just because a path isn’t marked on a map drawn by a commission (a commission with two CRMS employees on it) doesn’t mean it isn’t used daily by the community. County Road 106 is over one hundred years old, and while I understand the only constant is change, that’s change for the greater good, not a privileged few. Forgoing the rights of 1,000 taxpayers for the betterment of 200 campus dwellers is not in the line of public service. Besides, the biggest threat to school safety usually comes from within, so it’s actually the residents of Carbondale and Satank who are in danger from the proximity of such an insecure campus.

Before building a million dollar welcome center right on the county road, maybe the CRMS administration should ask itself if it’s really in their mission to alienate the community for the sake of money and horses. (By the way, didn’t CRMS have an equestrian program back in the days when there was still vehicular traffic on County Road 106?)

Stating that the pastureland surrounding CRMS might ‘go away’ if the school doesn’t get what it wants is like a toddler threatening to take his ball and go home. And a big problem with that strategy is that Carbondale is surrounded by billionaires who could easily break into their piggy banks and buy agricultural land the size of CRMS for a tax write off. In fact, we could make it a fundraiser; an auction with lemonade and little sandwiches with the crusts cut off…

Whew! I feel younger already; nothing like a game of Pass the Grey Poupon to make me feel like a kid again.

Oligarchy in Democracy’s clothing

Do you want the good news or the bad news? Ok, the good news: we can all stop arguing about the safety of fracking because it is no longer necessary. The US Navy has turned seawater into fuel in order to make easier the business of war. Now they can sail directly into the fray without the pesky worry of stopping for gas in the middle of the ocean; fulfilling the US mission to enforce oligarchy-dressed-up-as-democracy right up until we decide to bomb the shit out of everything. I’m sure it’s just a matter of fine-tuning the gas-to-liquids process (extracting CO2 and hydrogen from seawater) until the technology hits the open market, rendering gas and oil impotent.

Oh wait, the bad news:

"American democracy is a sham, no matter how much it's pumped by the oligarchs who run the country (and who control the nation's "news" media)," he writes. "The US, in other words, is basically similar to Russia or most other dubious 'electoral' 'democratic' countries. We weren't formerly, but we clearly are now." –Eric Zuess*

As much as we all want to live in the Teddy Roosevelt America of days gone by— the sass and scratch days, as I like to call them— the fact is that this country is run by a bunch of money-grubbing commoners who buy the law. Proof of this is the campaign by the Koch brothers to force renewable energy users to pay a surcharge to the oil & gas companies.** Like school in the summertime; no class.

I admit it’s been a while since I’ve seen the inside of a classroom. And in my early twenties I was more focused on my job at Wax Trax than my studies, but between the mushroom blueberry tea my roommate used to make and 100% attendance in philosophy, I found my place on the Twister® board that is American politics. Surely, I thought to myself, there is a happy medium between Capitalism and Socialism so that hard work is rewarded, yet everyone has a roof over their heads and food on their table. (Of course there is, myself answered, and stop calling me Shirley.) However, it wasn’t until my forties that I learned the name of my political perversion.

Turns out I’m a libertarian socialist and you don’t see them very often— ”like having a gun rack on a Volvo.” –Robin Williams. While it’s none of the government’s business whether or not I have an abortion, I do think they should pay for it. I consider all reproductive issues to fall under the umbrella of health care, and along with food, water, shelter, and education, health care should be available to any and everyone who needs it. But a law that allows the insurance companies to take hard-earned money from the average working woman’s paycheck? Not the way I would’ve gone. If corporations like Apple and Exxon would simply pay their taxes, instead of hiding their money in off-shore accounts, there’d be more than enough for everyone to have an abortion.

I mean, we’re talking about taxes, not some elitist concept like charity. Taxes are as old as the women I see walking the mall in Aspen in their skinny jeans, older even! People have been paying taxes since the black and white days. So, if corporations are going to have the same rights as people, they can start by paying their taxes. The unchecked greed has run amok for so long in this country we seem to have forgotten that we’re not the English; we don’t have to love the one who takes our money. And, in defense of the British, at least the kings and queens left their loyal subjects with enough to cover basic needs (with the possible exception of dentistry…)

Personally, I’m ok with a flat tax for every one/corporation who/that makes more than $24,000 a year. And I’m ok with subsidizing those who don’t, because while I understand the selling points of Capitalism, we have created a monster. A huge bilderberger beast who stays behind the curtain pushing buttons and pulling levers, testing the threshold to see how hard Americans will work for nothing but the promise of a dream; a dream in which we are all free and equal to consume as much oil & gas as possible. For now anyway, I’m sure those Koch boys are busy working on a plan to patent seawater…

 
http://www.bbc.com/news/blogs-echochambers-27074746

http://www.latimes.com/opinion/topoftheticket/la-na-tt-koch-brothers-and-solar-power-20140422,0,1087398.story#axzz2zoEj6QL8

“I’m not superstitious; I’m just a little stitious.” -Michael Scott

 

 

Whenever I’m driving with my mom and we see a coyote she gets very excited. She believes it’s a sign that we will both receive money in the near future. Now, whether we’re talking about an inheritance from an old aunt’s estate or a ten dollar bill left in a jacket pocket, it doesn’t matter. My mom’s convinced the coyote was a messenger.

Maybe that’s the problem with our society today; we’re no longer superstitious so nothing keeps us in check. There is no motivation to be good, just a constant barrage of consumerism. The Northern Utes, true natives to this valley, seem to understand an aspect of this life that we haven’t figured out. They treat the Earth and fellow animals with respect and their lives seem richer somehow. I mean, if we celebrated gods and goddesses in the Roaring Fork valley today what would they be? The god of heavy equipment operation, the goddess of perfect-fit yoga pants…

We’ve taken monotheistic capitalism to a ridiculous circus mirror stage, and if we don’t pull it together soon:

“I think we risk becoming the best-informed society that has ever died of ignorance.” -Rubén Blades

By ‘pull it together’ I mean start living simply so others may simply live. Everyone on this planet is entitled to a sustainable life with food, shelter, medicine and education. And this is a goal we can all get behind. For Jesus’ sake, we’re not talking about putting designer clothing on every child, just shoes and a backpack.

What exactly is the point of having more anyway? Are we sure that’s the end goal, because we all end up in the same place. And I, for one, don’t want to show up at the pearly gates with a huge bank account and try to explain how it is that so many of my mates are starving and homeless. No one’s life is simple. And you can’t tell by looking at someone’s handbag how sick they are in mind or heart. It’s like that old all-girls-school saying: You can’t tell a book by its cover (but you can tell how much it’s going to cost.) I think the key to leading a rich life is more about attitude and gratitude than actual wealth. It’s about what kind of things get under our skin and whether or not we let them fester.

It intrigues me that most people I’ve met who only have the clothes on their back and the food in their fire are always smiling and laughing, while 90% of the people in Willits wear a blank scowl. Trust me, I recognize Resting Bitchy Face when I see it. We all know how crow’s feet are formed and that is one way to defy age as it marches across your face, but how bad is your life that you can’t return a stranger’s smile in the grocery store?! I work in a grocery store, for a minimal wage, and yet I can’t help but smile. (Of course, I do work for the good guys; the capitalists with a conscience.)

Speaking of minimum wage, check out what Bill Maher has to say on the subject:

“Wouldn’t it be great if there were democrats out there now who would say to billionaires, ‘Oh, you’re crying? We’ll give you something to cry about. You don’t want a minimum wage? How bout we not only have a minimum wage, we have a maximum wage.’ That is not a new idea. James Madison, who wrote our constitution, said government should prevent an immoderate accumulation of riches. Washington, Jefferson, Hamilton, they all agreed that too much money in the hands of too few would destroy democracy. What can you buy with two billion dollars that you can’t buy with one? You couldn’t spend that kinda cash if you lived forever and your money manager was MC Hammer.”

-Real Time with Bill Maher

So, whenever I’m driving around the back roads looking for coyotes, with a rabbit’s foot swinging from the rear view mirror and a silver dollar in my pocket, I always remember to smile. And be good.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pcKMd49wDRk&feature=share

Sickly Sweet (How Nixon is poisoning us from the grave)

As long as I can remember, I thought cutting calories was the best way to lose weight and ‘get into good shape.’ Granted I learned this as a child, so we are talking about the 70s; learning healthy lifestyle tips from a jaded P.E. teacher whose gym shorts were from another generation— his. Mr. Y probably should’ve retired a decade or two before… Anyway, I honestly thought that people must be swimming laps at night in order to exercise enough to burn all the calories they ate in a day. And as soon as I realized that wasn’t happening for me, I switched tactics; I’m a member of the Lost Protein Generation. Somehow, in high school, my body survived on diet Dr Pepper, individually wrapped slices of American cheese, and corn nuts. No wonder I couldn’t climb the rope.

When I was a girl it was all sugar and spice and everything nice, but nowadays sugar is killing little girls. Today we have obese six-month-olds. Yep, you read that right: obese at six months old. What the what?! How is that even possible, you ask? Well, I’ll tell you. It’s in the fucking formula. It’s in everything: bbq sauce, bread, catsup, honey mustard, milk, the list goes on and on. There is even research showing that how much sugar a woman consumes while she’s pregnant can affect her unborn child’s health. Fructose is poisonous to human bodies, just like alcohol and tobacco, and it is transferred in utero as well.

Not to mention the preservatives; the chemicals that found their way into our food in the 70s and stayed, like couch-surfing free-loading friends. Forty years later, you’d think we might’ve made some progress with regards to nutrition, but you’d be wrong. Just a few weeks ago Subway said they would stop using azodiacarbonamide to make their bread. (Azodiacarbonamide is a chemical used in the production of yoga mats.) Stories like this one and the ‘pink slime’ that passes for USDA approved beef beg the question: What are the good people at the FDA doing all day?

I feel like a hamster who’s been thrown into the deep end of an Olympic-sized swimming pool. Hopeless. The corporations have bulldozed nutrition in their eternal quest for products with the highest possible profit margin. Planning, shopping and preparing only organic, homemade meals for a family is a full-time job, only now we are a two-sometimes-three-income per household nation. And the bureaucrats whose job it is to protect us from poison in our food sold us out a long time ago for a coke and a smile.

“The Coke Conspiracy” as referenced in Sugar: The Bitter Truth* explains why the FDA can’t ban chronic disease causing agents from our food due to the fact that the US only exports three things people want these days: weapons, entertainment, and fast food. Robert Lustig, MD presents a terrifyingly convincing argument that “fructose is the cause of the metabolic syndrome: obesity, type II diabetes, lipid problems, hyper-tension and cardiovascular disease.” And I believe the inflammation caused by all the sugar, coupled with the genetic modification of our crops is why we have cancer centers as crowded as O’Hare on a holiday.

Now, I’m not saying people like Earl “Rusty” Butz (not joking, that’s his name) should take all the blame for sick kids today, but he can have a second helping. If we’re talking about the separation of selling and regulating our food, ole Rusty Butz seems to have not only let the business into agriculture, he set them up with a nice clean stall and a full trough.

Until a healthy body is as much of a priority as a healthy bottom line, I guess we’ll all just have to keep swimming through the crap they’re processing, packaging and selling as food. We’ll have to read through the unpronounceable ingredients and avoid them, sticking to real, whole foods whenever possible. Since the FDA won’t protect us from GMOs and chemical food, we’ll have to be extra vigilant with what we put in our mouths. We’ll be our own lifeguards— both in and out of the pool.

http://www.uctv.tv/search-details.aspx?showID=16717