Spermapalooza

Have you ever noticed that in American movies the heroine’s happy ending is to get married and have babies? As if that’s all women really want out of life (except for the movie Little Black Book, which I love! In Little Black Book, Stacy’s happy ending is breaking up with the guy –he wasn’t the right guy– and meeting Carly Simon in person. And of course, Stacy’s as star-struck as you or I would be. Also, Holly Hunter is in the cast and I tend to love any movie with Holly Hunter. In fact, Holly Hunter may be my Carly Simon…)

Anyway, I’m not saying we don’t all love a good romantic comedy now and then, or that we would rather watch Charlize Theron take a submarine to the planet’s core and reverse the Earth’s spin. Please. All I’m saying is that once in a while something besides girl wants guy, girl gets guy, girl has guy’s baby would be refreshing. That formula is as tired as said girl will be in her third trimester. Of course, in Hollywood, who’s tired? It’s easy and fun to get through your day with a kid on the way! Apparently it’s like that in Washington DC as well. At least, according to the old men who think they should have a say in regards to American women’s pregnancies. Let me spell it out for you guys: unless you are the father of the fetus, it is none of your f-ing business. (Literally.)

I can’t tell if these guys are threatened by, envious of, or just plain hate women. In all the years of introducing bills to regulate women’s bodies and pregnancy options, I have never heard of a bill pertaining to men’s reproductive health. So, if we’re really claiming to be fair and unbiased, then it’s about time. My aunt D proposes we introduce legislation requiring men to be in the act of sex whenever they ejaculate. In other words, masturbation is now a legal matter, as it destroys the potential for millions of people in tube socks. Ridiculous? Yeah, we know. But if women’s reproductive issues are going to be on the table for national discussion, so should men’s. What’s good for the goose, and all that… And if our goal is to overpopulate the earth while eliminating any and all social programs to help these fetuses once they’ve grown up, then I say men have been in the dark for far too long (pun intended.) Let’s open that bathroom door and shed some light on all those wasted personhoods.

I think some men have Uterus Envy (did I just make that up? Has anyone studied this?) It seems like because they only carry the potential for life inside them they have to try to control the issue entirely; an issue that is much more of a game changer for the women. Listen up men with UE: just because you can’t nourish and carry the fetus to birth doesn’t mean you don’t have an important role to play. Your job is to plant the seed and then protect and secure the perimeter, and by ‘perimeter’ I mean the world for women.

It’s your job to notice that your wife’s eyes look like Roadrunner cartoon swirls and offer to babysit while she takes a nap. It’s your job to teach your offspring that violence against women, in any form, is the coward’s track. And it’s your job to bring about positive change for both men and women, not to make life harder by limiting access to birth control. Wake up! It’s the twenty-first century!

That’s one of the things I love about the Millennials, the men are not as confined by gender stereotypes. They bake, they knit, they host baby showers; very cool. Nothing like the old shriveled guys who stand in front of clinics holding disturbing signs and yelling at pregnant women. Hey— do I show up at your Dr.’s office with pictures of enlarged prostates and harass you about your exploits with Rosie Palm and her five sisters? No, I do not. But I could start. Mind your own business, and while we’re at it— mind your Ps and Qs.