Just plain free money

Some would say Carbondale’s losing its favorite bracelet, one charm at a time, to monied newcomers eager to show us the latest trends. It’s a slippery slope, reaching for that carat. One minute we’re standing on a hill overlooking our town, and the next thing we know we’re taking a downvalley bus home because we can’t afford to live here anymore…

Letting the money take over is the worst-case-scenario because money doesn’t have imagination. Money only cares about more money. And in order to maintain a vibrant anything (town, economy, circus) one must make room for variety, especially when it comes to money.

Wealth does not reflect a man’s character; it reflects his bank account. –Rutger Bregman*

If we don’t manage a way for people of all walks to live comfortably in Carbondale, they won’t. We’ll get EVS (Empty Village Syndrome) and it isn’t just the young people we should focus on keeping. If I was retired and I could sell my house for enough to buy another house and still have a big pile of money, I would seriously consider leaving Carbondale. In order for our community to continue to thrive we need to convince people of all ages and affiliations to stay here.

On a national level, it’s much worse. People in Detroit can’t sell out, and even though they go to work every day they can barely survive, much less thrive. The only reason the American Dream lasted for this long is because people could afford to buy a house and take a summer vacation. The system won’t continue to work if the average worker keeps taking it in the teeth from every side. (And if you’re one of the privileged 1% you should be even more worried. Remember, the French aristocrats didn’t see it coming either.)

Luckily, there is a simple-yet-outrageous-sounding solution. It’s not my idea originally (however, I did ponder it in college; why can’t we marry socialism with capitalism? What if we made sure every citizen had their basic needs met, and then continued to foster an open market based economy? Even as a sophomore at a state college I could see the potential.) Thomas Paine thought of it way back in the founding days of our country: the Citizen Stipend. Or as I like to call it: Just Plain Free Money.

Here’s how it works: every single person collects a check from the government each month. A check that is enough to cover the basics: food & water, clothing, shelter, health care and education. (Unfortunately the cost of those electric icicles that hang off the roof and look terrible during the day, but lovely at night are not included. I mean, we have to draw the line somewhere.)

"Boom!" As my friend Taryne likes to say. That’s it. It’s not welfare because it goes to everyone, even cute little billionaires who don’t need it (although if they are as wealthy in character they’ll donate theirs… my opinion.) People will still go to work because humans like to be productive and useful, and because we still have to buy Christmas lights. It will eliminate homelessness and school lunchmeat. A huge lot of our problems solved with one little act; problems like crime, domestic violence and child hunger. Not to mention the increase in artists, acrobats and tinkers because people won’t have to take a middle-management-soul-killing job unless they want to. The creativity level would soar. And instead of teaching our children how to sit still for eight hours at a time, we could encourage them to find and follow their dreams. Oh- and I almost forgot, corporations do not receive the stipend. No matter what. “That’s it. It’s in the books.” -UB

Where does all the money come from, you ask? Easy, it comes from us; between our taxes and our spending (through corporations’ taxes) there’s more than enough to go around. We just need to cut into the enormous pie that is the defense budget. Yep, I said it. We have to stop a few Greedy Guts who are currently gorging themselves at the Mad Hatter’s table of American government.

Locally, we could get started on a smaller scale… maybe in the form of free trash/recycling removal, or an open tab at the Pour House on Last Saturdays. Whaddya say Carbondale Trustees: how about an incentive program for regular folks to remain in Carbondale? Because, let’s face it, they’re why this town was so flippin charming in the first place.

*https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aIL_Y9g7Tg0

Spermapalooza

Have you ever noticed that in American movies the heroine’s happy ending is to get married and have babies? As if that’s all women really want out of life (except for the movie Little Black Book, which I love! In Little Black Book, Stacy’s happy ending is breaking up with the guy –he wasn’t the right guy– and meeting Carly Simon in person. And of course, Stacy’s as star-struck as you or I would be. Also, Holly Hunter is in the cast and I tend to love any movie with Holly Hunter. In fact, Holly Hunter may be my Carly Simon…)

Anyway, I’m not saying we don’t all love a good romantic comedy now and then, or that we would rather watch Charlize Theron take a submarine to the planet’s core and reverse the Earth’s spin. Please. All I’m saying is that once in a while something besides girl wants guy, girl gets guy, girl has guy’s baby would be refreshing. That formula is as tired as said girl will be in her third trimester. Of course, in Hollywood, who’s tired? It’s easy and fun to get through your day with a kid on the way! Apparently it’s like that in Washington DC as well. At least, according to the old men who think they should have a say in regards to American women’s pregnancies. Let me spell it out for you guys: unless you are the father of the fetus, it is none of your f-ing business. (Literally.)

I can’t tell if these guys are threatened by, envious of, or just plain hate women. In all the years of introducing bills to regulate women’s bodies and pregnancy options, I have never heard of a bill pertaining to men’s reproductive health. So, if we’re really claiming to be fair and unbiased, then it’s about time. My aunt D proposes we introduce legislation requiring men to be in the act of sex whenever they ejaculate. In other words, masturbation is now a legal matter, as it destroys the potential for millions of people in tube socks. Ridiculous? Yeah, we know. But if women’s reproductive issues are going to be on the table for national discussion, so should men’s. What’s good for the goose, and all that… And if our goal is to overpopulate the earth while eliminating any and all social programs to help these fetuses once they’ve grown up, then I say men have been in the dark for far too long (pun intended.) Let’s open that bathroom door and shed some light on all those wasted personhoods.

I think some men have Uterus Envy (did I just make that up? Has anyone studied this?) It seems like because they only carry the potential for life inside them they have to try to control the issue entirely; an issue that is much more of a game changer for the women. Listen up men with UE: just because you can’t nourish and carry the fetus to birth doesn’t mean you don’t have an important role to play. Your job is to plant the seed and then protect and secure the perimeter, and by ‘perimeter’ I mean the world for women.

It’s your job to notice that your wife’s eyes look like Roadrunner cartoon swirls and offer to babysit while she takes a nap. It’s your job to teach your offspring that violence against women, in any form, is the coward’s track. And it’s your job to bring about positive change for both men and women, not to make life harder by limiting access to birth control. Wake up! It’s the twenty-first century!

That’s one of the things I love about the Millennials, the men are not as confined by gender stereotypes. They bake, they knit, they host baby showers; very cool. Nothing like the old shriveled guys who stand in front of clinics holding disturbing signs and yelling at pregnant women. Hey— do I show up at your Dr.’s office with pictures of enlarged prostates and harass you about your exploits with Rosie Palm and her five sisters? No, I do not. But I could start. Mind your own business, and while we’re at it— mind your Ps and Qs.

You Republican't Be Serious

Aargh! I can’t take any more of the political ads! If there’s one thing I can’t stand more than a Democrat in an expensive suit, riding in a private jet, on his way to a $2000 a plate dinner, it’s a Republican. Am I right?

When you boil it all down, Republicans are supposed to balance the checkbook after the Democrats get done helping those in need. But I don’t see any of that happening today. Today, we have Democrats handing the piggy bank over to giant health insurance corporations and Republicans threatening to auction off our National Parks to the highest bidder. (Hey Ted Cruz: Teddy Roosevelt was a Republican.)

A real Republican would be all for legalizing marijuana and selling it on the open market because it’s the fastest and easiest way to balance the budget. A real Republican would work with the other side to reach a compromise because that’s how adults accomplish their goals. And the last time I checked, a real Republican would rather be naked, dipped in honey and strapped to an ant hill than have the federal government tell her whom to marry and what to do with her own uterus. These guys today are not Republicans. They are corporate plants threatening to shut down our government and sue the President of the United States. I beg your pardon?!

As I’ve said before, the idea of isolating our representatives and leaving them to fend for themselves in an Escape from NY type scenario greatly appeals to me. It’s pretty obvious Washington DC is broken and no one is advocating for the people anymore. But this two-camps-one-direction trend is a sham. My husband thinks Boehner & the Boys should be tried for treason, and he voted for Bush One. (He also says we’re moving out of the country if the next presidential election is another Bush versus Clinton. To which I say: Buenos Dias, Mexico!)

I always vote. I can’t help it. It’s a Lucky-to-have-first-world-problems kind of thing and I can’t shake it. But I do understand the ennui of younger generations. Why vote for one side of the same coin, when the only change we’re gonna see is the occasional dime on the street. And I’m still undecided on Amendment 68, the horse track in Aurora owned by a casino operator from Rhode Island. Both sides make a valid point: on one hand, more money for schools is a good thing. On the other hand, it’s a local issue and I don’t want to decide some poor soul’s fate that already has the misfortune to live in Saudi Aurora. If I was a betting woman— oh, wait a minute, I am! I would guess that this issue has as many layers as a freakin onion and the money spent on the ads alone could make a Republican cry.

Meanwhile, back at the halls of Garfield County, we do know the whole story. A vote for Sullivan for County Commissioner is a vote to protect the Thompson Divide (a very real place for wildlife and water) from poisonous chemicals, i.e., fracking. But a vote for Jankovsky means: secret meetings with oil companies in Utah, ‘upgrades’ on County Road 117 to widen it, (why?) and a green light to giving away public land to the private sector.

Which reminds me, will you please do me a favor? Go get a twenty dollar bill (or more!) put it in an envelope, and send it to:

Colorado Wild Public Lands PO Box 590 Basalt CO 81621

Their mission is to “advocate for retention of public lands and access, and for the ecological integrity and true economic value of these public assets.”*

Basically, CWPL is trying to protect public land for the people, and keep it out of the hands of the private sector, e.g. Big Oil, Big Gas, Big Wigs in ladies underwear. Which, I thought, was the job of the Bureau of Land Management, but since our bureaucrats can’t seem to find their own asses with two hands and a flashlight, I guess it’s up to us.

“The government is us; we are the government, you and I.” –Theodore Roosevelt

* http://coloradowildpubliclands.org/

Rage Against the Monsanto

“Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on or by imbeciles who really mean it.” -Mark Twain

My great grandfather and I share two important life events: we were both born on August 22^nd and we were both kidnapped.

In 1916 Robert Matson Perry was 33 years old and living in Oak Creek, Colorado, supervising the mine that his father owned. Two miners ambushed him in the dark of night and took him to a remote cabin to hold him for ransom. His father, Sam Perry, sent the money from Denver by train while Sam’s eldest daughter, Marjorie, began organizing a posse to rescue her brother. (I come from a long line of outdoorsy women who frequently camp for weeks at a time, and hunt things like bobcat and bear. So you can see why I’m seen as kind of a sissy in my family, just because I’d rather curl up on the porch with a book about the wild than actually go into it…)

Anyway, Robert managed to escape from his captors, killing one in the pandemonium, and immediately headed for the telegraph to inform his father to not send the cash. I can only presume that shooting one’s captor while escaping from confinement does, in fact, feel like pandemonium because I did not escape from my captors. In the end, I was simply free to go.

One morning in my mid-thirties I woke up to find three little triangle-shaped bruises in the shape of a triangle on the inside of my left arm. It was a strange and solid mark, but not painful nor explainable. So I let my imagination take hold and concluded that it must be a remnant of some kind of alien kidnapping device; perhaps an extraterrestrial IV that keeps the body hydrated and breathing while routine tests are performed.

While it’s easy for me to imagine an alien species more advanced than we are, using us in much the same way we use mice in our experiments, I do understand that it’s not a favored topic in polite conversation, which is why I don’t bring it up very often. Plus, I don’t actually remember the abduction, so it’s hard to give a point by point recollection. But I assume that with more of a big-picture point-of-view, aliens must find it frustrating to watch us. Even though we realize our food is toxic, we continue to eat; we’re the mice for Monsanto.

Because of Monsanto: crops are contaminated, cancer centers are as crowded as airports, and farmers all over the world have lost the family farm. Then, to add insult to injury, this summer one of the most prominent think tanks in the world invited Darth Vader into the Jedi compound conversation. (While I’m sure there’s still plenty of worthy unbiased knowledge to be gleaned at the Aspen Institute, it’s a far cry from the days of Bucky Fuller. I sure hope they don’t follow that town’s lead and turn it into the Aspen Bad Ideas Festival.)

You want to hear my idea? I think all the chemically infused water and genetically modified food we are ingesting directly correlate with the mass shootings and melee in our world. There has been little to no testing on GMOs, (mostly because the FDA is Monsanto’s bitch) and for all we know genetically modified food causes the body to attack the brain like in the book Brain on Fire by Susannah Cahalan.

It could explain the undeniable increase in autism and related conditions in our society in the last few decades. I’m already convinced GMOs are responsible for all the weird diet restrictions we have nowadays. Gluten intolerance probably has more to do with wheat being genetically modified than with a suddenly volatile reaction in the human body. Our parents and grandparents didn’t have nearly as many food allergies because they were eating real food. You know, back in the days when Monsanto was making Agent Orange.

The good news: Right to Know Colorado submitted nearly 125,000 signatures to the Colorado Secretary of State this summer and Proposition 105 (labeling GMOs) will be on the ballot in November.* I implore you to vote to know what we’re eating; if for no other reason, so that the aliens can see our species’ potential for generational growth!

* http://www.righttoknowcolorado.org/

Grow kindness

I never thought I’d say this, but Thank God for George W Bush.

Now, wait— before you think I’ve been taken to a remote location and brainwashed by some of my relatives, let me explain. Shrub, as I affectionately call the former President, passed a law in 2008 that protects children who show up at the US’s kitchen door without their parents and in need of help. It makes sense, seeing as we like to see ourselves as the big chinned, wide shouldered, apron-wearing country that hands out lemonade flavored with corn syrup to all the world’s children.

While I like to joke that I’m scared of children, (and that, like horses, they can smell fear, which is why they follow me around) truth be told, I believe children are actually kinder and less cowardly than most adults. Especially adults like Regina Thomson, who:

“believes the federal government is breaking its own laws in allowing the waves of youths to cross the border and remain in the United States and that states like Colorado are adding to the problem by becoming ‘sanctuary states." –Nancy Lofholm, Denver Post*

Listen up, Regina; the children showing up at the border are just like the kids who came over on ships from Europe in the second World War. There is no other sane reason a mother would send her child to another country alone. The only difference is, in WWII those kids were fleeing from crazy Nazis and today these kids are trying to escape crazy drug cartels in Central America. (Crazy drug cartels that the United States has supplied with guns, I might add.) To everyone who thinks these kids aren’t America’s problem: I think you should want to be careful about how you tackle this situation. After all, you can’t claim to be a good Christian (or any other organized religion’s devotee, for that matter) and hate refugee children. Jesus loved little kids, yo.

I cannot imagine being eight years old and finally crossing the border into what I believe to be a safe and free country, after a harrowing journey by myself, only to be met by a bunch of old white people screaming at me. I mean, who is spreading this bullshit on their toast every morning— Fox News?

Shame on US. And shame on you, President Obama, for trying to deny these children the same due process we allow murderers and drug dealers (who, of course, are the reason these kids are coming in droves to the border in the first place.) And shame on every member of Congress who heads to the beach with their own kids this month, instead of dealing with this humanitarian crisis.

What the heck happened to this country? When did we turn into a bunch of sniveling yellow bellies with no compassion for other people’s children? Unless you are of Native American heritage, we are all descended from immigrants. So, the conclusion I am forced to draw is that we are actually full of fear and loathing for ourselves because of the genocide that was perpetrated on the true natives of this land. It is despicable to think about, just as it is despicable to imagine adults standing at the US/Mexico border yelling at children who are fleeing for their lives.

Immigration is not an issue to take a stance on, but an opportunity for all of us to generate a chain of positive action. “A single act of kindness throws out roots in all directions, and the roots spring up and make new trees. The greatest work that kindness does to others is that it makes them kind themselves.” –Frederick William Faber

You know what I wish? I wish I lived in a country with reality shows about the Real Housewives of Wherever putting on their best track suits, loading up their minivans and going down to the border to help these kids out (perhaps with a pit-stop at Shrub’s ranch to pick up one of those giant checks!)

Ways to help from Carbondale:

Donate to Ariel Clinical Services- arielcpa.org/2938 North Ave Suite G Grand Junction CO 81504

Email your US Representative, Senator or President before they go on summer vacation

Foster a kid

Stop watching Fox News.

*http://www.denverpost.com/News/Local/ci_26223255/Forces-mobilize-in-Colorado-to-help-unaccompanied-immigrant-children