Do you know the worst thing about being smart? Did you just
say ‘no’? Well that’s the joke, it’s a one-liner. Just like the old Irish joke:
two Irishmen walk by a bar.
The worst thing about being smart, as far as I can tell, is
that you pretty much always know what’s going to happen next. Not a lot of
surprises in the world, which could explain why smart people spend so much time
in bars; a lot of genius in this town.
It’s hard to stay positive once you realize how mismanaged
this planet is, and if it takes a pint now and then to keep on keeping on, then
I, for one, say, “To all my friends!” Benjamin Franklin summed it up pretty
well, and he was kind of a smart fella, “Wine, a constant proof that God loves
us, and loves to see us happy.”
In a world where our food is regulated by the same guys who
stand to win or lose at the profit sharing picnic table, and our public land advocacy
agencies (“BLM stands for Beef, Lumber & Mining” –MM) really just exist as
playthings for Oil & Gas companies, it’s nice to step into a dark room now
and then and drink something bubbly with one’s mates.
Especially in a town where our trusted Trustees voted for a
well-known Texan’s plan to draw art lovers to Carbondale but not to sell the
art within the town limits so that we would receive the sales tax revenue. And
what’s this I hear about voting for more ‘dry’ events in our beloved mountain
town? Are we sure Foulkrod understood the question? I’m going to have to knock
some sense into him while I knock some back, if you know what I mean…
I can think of a lot of things this town needs: an Old West
themed hotel with a saloon on the ground floor that opens to Main Street
through swinging shutter doors, a taxi service for those who’ve imbibed in said
saloon, street performers dressed like Val Kilmer in Silverado, the list goes
on and on… But less alcohol in the hands of legal-drinking-age adults is not
one of them. All this vote really did was cost CCAH some cash, not only in
alcohol sales but also in the fewer amount of participants because they’ll all be
in the bar, where they serve alcohol.
As a country, we’ve already tried Prohibition and it didn’t
work out so well; in fact, nothing that restricts personal freedom seems to
stick. And now, finally, thanks to some old guys who wear robes to work, we are
closer to marriage equality for everyone in the land of the free.
It’s been said many times in many ways: Be cool, honey
bunny. Live and let live. Don’t like abortion? Don’t have one. Ok, maybe that
last one’s a bit off-track… but the point is don’t be like Jeannie Bueller in
Ferris Bueller’s Day Off (one of the all-time best movies ever made!) Jeannie
is Ferris’s sister and she can’t let it go that Ferris is ditching classes
until she meets Charlie Sheen in the police station: (Seriously, one of the top
ten cameos of all time)
What do you care if your brother ditches school?
Why should he get to ditch when everybody else has to go?
You could ditch.
Yeah, I’d get caught.
Then your problem is you.
As I see it, alcohol doesn’t solve problems; but neither
does banning it. And now’s as good a time as any to resurrect the ‘Barmuda
triangle’ between the Pour House, Townperiod, and the Nugget. Maybe I’m just
nostalgic for old times, but I’m not the only one who doesn’t want to see the
Disneyfication* of our Main Street. I’m no Wile E. Coyote, but even I can tell
ya that’s one surefire way to get the tourists running, all the way out of town
and up to Basalt where they can quench their thirst.
*Until last year there were no alcoholic beverage sales at
Disneyland, as per Walt’s wishes. Which made perfect sense since it is a theme
park for children.
